I'll Miss You Gravity.

I think I stopped believing in science - in rules that are true through everything. And it really sucks. Because I love physics.  But I just cannot understand how a world could contain both science and complete randomocity as well. But hey- I guess the universe is vast. It contains multitudes and has room to contradict itself, eh?

I always wanted to be a detective.  It started at the dentist's office with those good old "Highlight" magazines.  You know what I'm talking about - the BEST MAGAZINE EVER which contained a picture search.  Well, I rocked at those.  Not to brag, but I was a pretty big deal in those waiting rooms. I could find all the hidden images in a couple minutes tops.

I figured that being good at a picture search was enough to make me a good detective and so I set my sites on it.  I grew up watching CSI and Law & Order (SVU, of course).  I hate big towns and being around large crowds, but by age 13 I had decided to move to LA or Vegas so I could pursue my dream in an area where crime actually existed (it's hard to commit a crime in a town like Cottonwood, ID).  But the more I thought about it, the less I wanted to actually solve crime; I did not want to be surrounded by that tragedy and negativity all the time (call me a girl, but I can't compartmentalize for the life of me).  What I wanted was to identify patterns and use them to navigate through life.  I like patterns and organization and rules.  They give me standards by which I can operate.

But it turns out, there are some things that no amount of rules or theories can neither prepare you for nor guide you through. The main thing being the mind you possess.  It's funny really.  I lived my whole life thinking I at least had control over my own mind only to discover that I don't.  I'm sure some part of me, somewhere, exercises control. Who else could be in control?  But I must be terribly out-of-touch with that part of me.  Because I am constantly surprised by my reactions and thoughts.  And that seems like something that I should probably have a better grip on.

Or maybe the pattern is just too complex for me to see.  What would happen if I figured it out? What would happen if we discovered an algorithm that allowed us to predict what our reactions would be? Would our reactions even have significance at that point? Or would significance then be found in our observance of the algorithm at work?  I'm not sure.  I am sure that I'm over thinking things. And not making much sense.  But if my head is a house filled with doors, it must also be booby trapped.  Because lately it seems like I am hanging by one ankle in the middle of a hallway - neither making progress nor accurately assessing where I currently am.  And I don't think it matters.  I don't think there is a single statement someone could say to me that I could fully identify with or validate in any way. And I truly don't think that is a reason for concern.

But it's okay.  Because entropy. Or questions. Or zebra. Or toaster oven. Because it's always okay. For no apparent reason, it just is.