Fear-
Of time committed
time lost
time wasted.
Where would I be if not here?
What could I do if not this?
A downpour of lists,
Falling around me like leaves
Only through conscious effort can I breathe -
Can I ground the soul
to the body.
My will,
my goals,
my passions -
a driving wind
that carries the leaves away:
all but those beneath my feet,
within my clenched fists.
MY will. MY goals. MY passions.
At the front of the room,
eighty eyes away,
She huffs and puffs
and blows them all down.
Down with questions!
Down with digressions!
Down with the mind - most sacred of possessions!
Mind not your fancies,
those insignificant inklings of thought;
You are too young
to understand
O, you are far too young indeed.
Chains of dogma -
they bind me to this chair,
make me stare
straight ahead, at words for which I do not - cannot - care.
In an entropic world,
all rice pudding is pink,
all solutions fully diffused,
all things room-temperature.
What exactly are you teaching?
Preaching normally
like it's gold
And so we become stories of old
stories retold
to warn of what happens
when souls are stripped, devalued, and sold.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Monday, January 27, 2014
What's the Significance?
I hear her in the color gray
muffled, fuzzy, distant
The words crawling slowly
into my ears
like a starving man moves to shade in the heat of the day
limping,
collapsing.
Myself, relapsing - into my fancies
O daydreams, my daydreams
take me away.
The people go first - fading into the stark white walls
their voices dimmer, dimmer, dimmer
Shimmering - sunlight
The reflection off the leg of a chair
Staring into the brightness --
falling into it and coming out
the other side
the glare now off a glassy lake.
Utter stillness,
sanctity,
solitude.
Trees need no words to communicate,
I need only breathe in to understand the mountains.
And the truth comes gliding
from the bough of a juniper - chirping
and nodding curiously - whilst upon a fallen log.
There is no need for words
in this world
where still I sit on the other side
of the sunlight,
at a desk,
in a room,
Being taught "English" in a tongue which does not resonate.
muffled, fuzzy, distant
The words crawling slowly
into my ears
like a starving man moves to shade in the heat of the day
limping,
collapsing.
Myself, relapsing - into my fancies
O daydreams, my daydreams
take me away.
The people go first - fading into the stark white walls
their voices dimmer, dimmer, dimmer
Shimmering - sunlight
The reflection off the leg of a chair
Staring into the brightness --
falling into it and coming out
the other side
the glare now off a glassy lake.
Utter stillness,
sanctity,
solitude.
Trees need no words to communicate,
I need only breathe in to understand the mountains.
And the truth comes gliding
from the bough of a juniper - chirping
and nodding curiously - whilst upon a fallen log.
There is no need for words
in this world
where still I sit on the other side
of the sunlight,
at a desk,
in a room,
Being taught "English" in a tongue which does not resonate.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
It'llbeokay
Sometimes I write things out - pages and pages of words strung together - and then, disregarding the hours it took to write them and make them visible, I press 3 keys and make it all disappear. CTRL+A, DEL. And just like that: a white blank page.
I have always been told to keep all of my writing, to read through it every once in a while and remind myself of what the muses have urged me to create - to remind myself of the things I have felt and the words I have used to describe them. I cannot bring myself to do it though. I see an error, confusion, bland wording, cliche ideas: poor writing. And then CTRL+A, DEL. And it is all gone. I can kill a poem - strangle it furiously, as if the life I squeeze from it would enter me, and watch as it crumples in front of me, a lifeless pathetic thing. And with the swipe of 3 keys the evidence vanishes. No less of a criminal, but still my secret remains hidden.
When I can't find words to write, or when there are too many catapulting throughout my head, I go into the woods. I like walking on still days, when the snow falls straight down and every noise is magnified, but today as I walked I relished in the wind - the turmoil around me as trees creaked and groaned under the strain, the freedom I felt in the way my hair whipped around me. I could feel each gust of wind force its way into each of my pores, bringing with it an unparalleled clarity. This is why I am here.
Something in my mind is churning. Words, images, memories: tumbling and colliding, today in a hard, violent way. My mind instinctively pushes back, too eager to hold onto the image of the ideal to face whatever painful conclusion I have already, on some level, come to. I quicken my pace. The trail steadily inclines for a total of 7.5 miles before reaching a steep scree slope that extends a quarter mile further. At that point there is a lip which drops down into Lodge Pole Lake - named for the lanky trees which surround it. It's a beautiful lake that gets next to zero traffic this time of year. The snow has already set in many of the mountains, and I am sure the last couple miles of the trail would be blanketed in white. But I am only hiking until the first river crossing anyway; 5 miles in the trail drops back down to the river it follows and a large fallen tree, about 2 feet in diameter, serves as a bridge from bank to bank. The occasional adventurous soul can be seen boating up the river to this point, for it is known for its deep, mellow water and superb trout fishing. It is here that I have my sites set on.
My legs begin to tingle as I feel a subtle burn creeping up. I have gone past the point of walking and am nearly at a running pace now. How fitting of you - literally running from your problems. "I'M NOT RUNNING!!" the words are thrown from my mouth before I have even realized it. I stop in the middle of the trail, picturing my words as they vibrate through the air, present only for a moment, and then vanish entirely. That's the interesting thing about spoken words - by the time you speak the second word there is nothing of the first one left. My legs pulsate beneath me, strong and capable but tired all the same.
You are still running.
It's more of a whisper this time - a softer, kinder voice. The voice a mother would use in consoling her child, "There, there now sweetheart. I know it's hard now, but it will all be over soon."
I tilt my head back and stare up at the sky. My own breath is visible in front of me, heavy from the unexpected run. I wait until my breathing has slowed, then close my eyes and let my mind catch up to me, bracing for what painful truth will surely come with it.
The first image in my head is that of his face - smiling, laughing. He is happy, and because of that I know I, surely just outside the edges of the frame, am too. And then I watch as his face changes. It morphs into frustration and then anger and then nothing at all: an expressionless face stares at me. And I am saddened by it. Not the me that is now, but the me that exists at the same time as the image of this face. The me that is now feels something different from sadness, something that is less despair and more resignation. If it could be made into a food it would be both bitter and salty. And I would eat it all the same. Because it is mine to carry, to own, to experience.
The image is swept away and replaced by a series of phone calls, all of which are made by me in tears. I cannot hear the words I am saying to the person on the other end, but I can feel them - deep inside of me - and a wave of emotions comes over me. Worry, confusion, doubt, insecurity. The me that is in the image feels these too. But the me that is now, though feeling them, feels also a distinct thought "These feelings are not an accurate description, but rather your perception" and this thought is felt with such conviction that the me that is now no longer feels any of those emotions. I feel, instead, the same sort of sadness as I did when the man's face was in my head.
I know what this series of images means. I know it in my mind, in my heart. It pulsates through me in sync with the pulsing of my worked muscles, in sync with the red and white blood cells that are coursing through my veins.
And I know now that I have felt it, now that I have let myself see the truth, I cannot sit idly by. I can no longer stay on this raft as it meanders down the river, because I see now that this is not my boat - not my river - not my journey. And now, scary though it may be, I must jump out, swim ashore, and begin the hike: to a different boat in a different river.
I open my eyes again, surprised to find that I am still standing, still breathing. It'llbeokayIt'llbeokayIt'llbeokay. I run those words through my head like a prayer - needing them to be true.
Again overwhelmed by what this all means, I push forward up the trail. Even amid the turmoil in my head I am taken aback by the beauty of what surrounds me, the connectedness I feel from within me to this world. Buddhism has a saying about it: "The gods are in the mountains, and though you may not be near to them they are always near to you." Being out here alone and in the wild has always felt that way to me. There is an unexplainable and undeniable truth that exists in the solitude of the mountains. And when I am out here I am one step nearer to it.
One step at a time, thinking of the beauty around me rather than the sadness within me, I continue my march up the trail. As I round a corner the trail starts to slowly descend, the noise of the river growing louder with each step. I know there are only two more turns until I arrive at my final destination. The thought ever so slightly deflates me. I don't want to go back. I don't want to face my reality.
You can't stay here forever.
Again I get defensive - stubborn - towards that voice. Maybe I can stay out here. Build a shelter, live off the land, never talk to another human all my life. But even as I think this, I know it is not what I will do. I will go back. I will look my life in the eyes and then I will grab it, tenderly though assertively, and pull it into my arms. There it will be cradled as I carry it, entirely on my own, until I can find that river that surely must be out there - that boat that sits on the shore, waiting for a captain, its captain.
I pick up my pace once more - unwilling to let my apprehension hold me back - and round the last bend of the trail. The river rushes by, indifferent to the small, human worries I'm projecting into the air around it. I walk to the edge where the log lays and raise one foot and then the other onto it. Walking only halfway across, I sit and let my feet dangle above the coursing water below. It'llbeokayIt'llbeokayIt'llbeokay. I chant it through my mind until it becomes to me what the songs of ancient peoples were to them - a truth. My heart rate slows as I close my eyes and breathe deeply - allowing the sounds of my immediate surroundings to take up residence in my mind. Birds chirping, water moving, a splash - possibly the rise of a fish? - and another sound I cannot place. Almost like that of water lapping on the shore, but something makes me think it is not. It is a sound that does not resonate at the same frequency as its environment, does not have a part in the melody of nature. I open my eyes and look behind me, down river, and see a small fishing boat pulled onto the bank - water licking at its metal sides. There is no fisherman in sight, but I assume he took his boat only as far as the river would allow - the log blocking any access up further - then went on foot after that.
This is why you are here
I hear it in the waves of the water, in the wind blowing through the trees, in the birds chirping around me. A reminder that, though this one has reached its end, there will always be more rivers, more boats, more adventures.
I have always been told to keep all of my writing, to read through it every once in a while and remind myself of what the muses have urged me to create - to remind myself of the things I have felt and the words I have used to describe them. I cannot bring myself to do it though. I see an error, confusion, bland wording, cliche ideas: poor writing. And then CTRL+A, DEL. And it is all gone. I can kill a poem - strangle it furiously, as if the life I squeeze from it would enter me, and watch as it crumples in front of me, a lifeless pathetic thing. And with the swipe of 3 keys the evidence vanishes. No less of a criminal, but still my secret remains hidden.
When I can't find words to write, or when there are too many catapulting throughout my head, I go into the woods. I like walking on still days, when the snow falls straight down and every noise is magnified, but today as I walked I relished in the wind - the turmoil around me as trees creaked and groaned under the strain, the freedom I felt in the way my hair whipped around me. I could feel each gust of wind force its way into each of my pores, bringing with it an unparalleled clarity. This is why I am here.
Something in my mind is churning. Words, images, memories: tumbling and colliding, today in a hard, violent way. My mind instinctively pushes back, too eager to hold onto the image of the ideal to face whatever painful conclusion I have already, on some level, come to. I quicken my pace. The trail steadily inclines for a total of 7.5 miles before reaching a steep scree slope that extends a quarter mile further. At that point there is a lip which drops down into Lodge Pole Lake - named for the lanky trees which surround it. It's a beautiful lake that gets next to zero traffic this time of year. The snow has already set in many of the mountains, and I am sure the last couple miles of the trail would be blanketed in white. But I am only hiking until the first river crossing anyway; 5 miles in the trail drops back down to the river it follows and a large fallen tree, about 2 feet in diameter, serves as a bridge from bank to bank. The occasional adventurous soul can be seen boating up the river to this point, for it is known for its deep, mellow water and superb trout fishing. It is here that I have my sites set on.
My legs begin to tingle as I feel a subtle burn creeping up. I have gone past the point of walking and am nearly at a running pace now. How fitting of you - literally running from your problems. "I'M NOT RUNNING!!" the words are thrown from my mouth before I have even realized it. I stop in the middle of the trail, picturing my words as they vibrate through the air, present only for a moment, and then vanish entirely. That's the interesting thing about spoken words - by the time you speak the second word there is nothing of the first one left. My legs pulsate beneath me, strong and capable but tired all the same.
You are still running.
It's more of a whisper this time - a softer, kinder voice. The voice a mother would use in consoling her child, "There, there now sweetheart. I know it's hard now, but it will all be over soon."
I tilt my head back and stare up at the sky. My own breath is visible in front of me, heavy from the unexpected run. I wait until my breathing has slowed, then close my eyes and let my mind catch up to me, bracing for what painful truth will surely come with it.
The first image in my head is that of his face - smiling, laughing. He is happy, and because of that I know I, surely just outside the edges of the frame, am too. And then I watch as his face changes. It morphs into frustration and then anger and then nothing at all: an expressionless face stares at me. And I am saddened by it. Not the me that is now, but the me that exists at the same time as the image of this face. The me that is now feels something different from sadness, something that is less despair and more resignation. If it could be made into a food it would be both bitter and salty. And I would eat it all the same. Because it is mine to carry, to own, to experience.
The image is swept away and replaced by a series of phone calls, all of which are made by me in tears. I cannot hear the words I am saying to the person on the other end, but I can feel them - deep inside of me - and a wave of emotions comes over me. Worry, confusion, doubt, insecurity. The me that is in the image feels these too. But the me that is now, though feeling them, feels also a distinct thought "These feelings are not an accurate description, but rather your perception" and this thought is felt with such conviction that the me that is now no longer feels any of those emotions. I feel, instead, the same sort of sadness as I did when the man's face was in my head.
I know what this series of images means. I know it in my mind, in my heart. It pulsates through me in sync with the pulsing of my worked muscles, in sync with the red and white blood cells that are coursing through my veins.
And I know now that I have felt it, now that I have let myself see the truth, I cannot sit idly by. I can no longer stay on this raft as it meanders down the river, because I see now that this is not my boat - not my river - not my journey. And now, scary though it may be, I must jump out, swim ashore, and begin the hike: to a different boat in a different river.
I open my eyes again, surprised to find that I am still standing, still breathing. It'llbeokayIt'llbeokayIt'llbeokay. I run those words through my head like a prayer - needing them to be true.
Again overwhelmed by what this all means, I push forward up the trail. Even amid the turmoil in my head I am taken aback by the beauty of what surrounds me, the connectedness I feel from within me to this world. Buddhism has a saying about it: "The gods are in the mountains, and though you may not be near to them they are always near to you." Being out here alone and in the wild has always felt that way to me. There is an unexplainable and undeniable truth that exists in the solitude of the mountains. And when I am out here I am one step nearer to it.
One step at a time, thinking of the beauty around me rather than the sadness within me, I continue my march up the trail. As I round a corner the trail starts to slowly descend, the noise of the river growing louder with each step. I know there are only two more turns until I arrive at my final destination. The thought ever so slightly deflates me. I don't want to go back. I don't want to face my reality.
You can't stay here forever.
Again I get defensive - stubborn - towards that voice. Maybe I can stay out here. Build a shelter, live off the land, never talk to another human all my life. But even as I think this, I know it is not what I will do. I will go back. I will look my life in the eyes and then I will grab it, tenderly though assertively, and pull it into my arms. There it will be cradled as I carry it, entirely on my own, until I can find that river that surely must be out there - that boat that sits on the shore, waiting for a captain, its captain.
I pick up my pace once more - unwilling to let my apprehension hold me back - and round the last bend of the trail. The river rushes by, indifferent to the small, human worries I'm projecting into the air around it. I walk to the edge where the log lays and raise one foot and then the other onto it. Walking only halfway across, I sit and let my feet dangle above the coursing water below. It'llbeokayIt'llbeokayIt'llbeokay. I chant it through my mind until it becomes to me what the songs of ancient peoples were to them - a truth. My heart rate slows as I close my eyes and breathe deeply - allowing the sounds of my immediate surroundings to take up residence in my mind. Birds chirping, water moving, a splash - possibly the rise of a fish? - and another sound I cannot place. Almost like that of water lapping on the shore, but something makes me think it is not. It is a sound that does not resonate at the same frequency as its environment, does not have a part in the melody of nature. I open my eyes and look behind me, down river, and see a small fishing boat pulled onto the bank - water licking at its metal sides. There is no fisherman in sight, but I assume he took his boat only as far as the river would allow - the log blocking any access up further - then went on foot after that.
This is why you are here
I hear it in the waves of the water, in the wind blowing through the trees, in the birds chirping around me. A reminder that, though this one has reached its end, there will always be more rivers, more boats, more adventures.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Cheers to the New Year
As the clock ticks on and I replace the calendar hanging above my bed, I can't help but look back at the year 2013. I had what I would say was a great year.
Highlights:
- solidified myself in some awesome friends groups
- moved into a house with 4 of my closest friends
- started a fulfilling romantic relationship
- completed my first year of college (with a 4.0)
- competed in my first climbing competition (took 2nd)
- took a variety of climbing and backpacking trips throughout the northwest
- learned to fly fish
- took the most interesting class imaginable
- discovered a lot about myself in general
- felt confident that every single person in my life knew how deeply I care for then
And while I had a fantastic year, I can't help but think of this new year - 2014 - and wonder what could lie ahead. Though it remains a mystery, I do know there are some areas of my life I want to alter or emphasize. And when I look back at the year from January 1st of 2015 I will know that, no matter what the year brings, I am a step closer to being the woman I want to be.
Resolutions:
- write more
- worry less
- love endlessly
- hesitate less; if I want to say something, I will do it. No matter how scary it may seem.
- climb more - for me, not for anyone or anything else
- care: less about other people's thoughts of me and more about my words/actions to other people
- be transparent: to not only others, but myself
- don't settle. If my friends have shown me anything it is that loved is not reserved for the perfect and that love knows no bounds and will make itself known at all times. Anything less than this is not worth being around. I may not me loved by everyone, but the people that do love me have shown me how it should feel, so why would I accept anything less than that?
- trust deeper
- assume less
- dance more
- feel no shame. I am happy with the life I have created for myself and the person I am discovering myself to be, and I need to stand up for those things more.
- be easier on myself
- live day by day and moment by moment
- deliver an awesome speech at my sister's wedding
- sky dive again
- work a forest service or fish & game job
- finish my first draft of the book I've been working on
- laugh daily
I'm sure this list will only lengthen as I think of new things - steps I can take towards a state of being rather than becoming. I am lucky beyond belief to have the life I have, the friends and family I have, the dreams I have. And this year I hope to capitalize on all of that by bettering myself; because the one common element through all the areas of my life is exactly that: me. I am the constant, not my friends or family or studies or any of that. And if I want to get the most out of each and every moment, then I need to accept that the only thing I have control over is myself, and I need to use that control to bring as much positive energy as possible to every aspect of my life. We are small, insignificant, unoriginal creatures. And yet the whole world lies at our fingertips.
Highlights:
- solidified myself in some awesome friends groups
- moved into a house with 4 of my closest friends
- started a fulfilling romantic relationship
- completed my first year of college (with a 4.0)
- competed in my first climbing competition (took 2nd)
- took a variety of climbing and backpacking trips throughout the northwest
- learned to fly fish
- took the most interesting class imaginable
- discovered a lot about myself in general
- felt confident that every single person in my life knew how deeply I care for then
And while I had a fantastic year, I can't help but think of this new year - 2014 - and wonder what could lie ahead. Though it remains a mystery, I do know there are some areas of my life I want to alter or emphasize. And when I look back at the year from January 1st of 2015 I will know that, no matter what the year brings, I am a step closer to being the woman I want to be.
Resolutions:
- write more
- worry less
- love endlessly
- hesitate less; if I want to say something, I will do it. No matter how scary it may seem.
- climb more - for me, not for anyone or anything else
- care: less about other people's thoughts of me and more about my words/actions to other people
- be transparent: to not only others, but myself
- don't settle. If my friends have shown me anything it is that loved is not reserved for the perfect and that love knows no bounds and will make itself known at all times. Anything less than this is not worth being around. I may not me loved by everyone, but the people that do love me have shown me how it should feel, so why would I accept anything less than that?
- trust deeper
- assume less
- dance more
- feel no shame. I am happy with the life I have created for myself and the person I am discovering myself to be, and I need to stand up for those things more.
- be easier on myself
- live day by day and moment by moment
- deliver an awesome speech at my sister's wedding
- sky dive again
- work a forest service or fish & game job
- finish my first draft of the book I've been working on
- laugh daily
I'm sure this list will only lengthen as I think of new things - steps I can take towards a state of being rather than becoming. I am lucky beyond belief to have the life I have, the friends and family I have, the dreams I have. And this year I hope to capitalize on all of that by bettering myself; because the one common element through all the areas of my life is exactly that: me. I am the constant, not my friends or family or studies or any of that. And if I want to get the most out of each and every moment, then I need to accept that the only thing I have control over is myself, and I need to use that control to bring as much positive energy as possible to every aspect of my life. We are small, insignificant, unoriginal creatures. And yet the whole world lies at our fingertips.
Monday, December 30, 2013
A Butterfly Sans Flight In A Vision Once I Saw..
I was at my farm, basking in the beautiful sunlight, when my mind slowly slipped into it's routine of day dreaming. This is what I saw.
Purple orange glints
Sunlight on glittery dust
Fluttering, flimsy, flightless.
Hair-thin legs meant only for
landing, standing
Now the primary resource
Scramble for awkward footing.
A cascade of shadows plays across
the ground
And mid these shadows, with feet
faltering futilely,
She slowly made way
A butterfly with broken wings,
A sky empty of stars,
Full of fellow fliers – former
friends of flight
She wishes for a breeze, a gust
to carry her away
To sweep her off her overburdened
feet
And give her one more chance
To soar, to glide, to remember
What it’s like
To live how she was designed
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Dream Poetry
Their faces, once so defined, were now weathered and old
Wind smoothed stone showed a mere outline of what once was
As the face pulled back into the mountain,
Letting nature reclaim her own once more.
We walk the trail ahead,
But it too has been eroded
And as it crumbles away a gaping hole is left.
Five feet spans the gap - five feet across but five hundred in depth
The pull forward outweighs the risk and we know:
We must go on.
I cross the gap - my feet finding firm ground
My mind slipping away
And I find it again at the edge of a high mountain lake
Blue green water pools
Fallen logs on the edges
A ripple spreads across the glassy surface
The rise of a fish?
A seal breaks the surface
Lunging to the shore, where her young appears to greet her
Seals in a lake, yet I feel no surprise.
Curiosity pilots my body as I dive
into the mystical lake
It drives me to the very bottom
Where my lungs assure me they are really more capable than I think.
Propelled through the water by something surely outside of myself,
I find a creature playing in the darkness
He turns his head and the white fur covering him moves in waves
I feel no fear as the polar bear swims past me and instead shut my eyes
Surrendering my body to the waves.
********************************************
Another attempt at dream poetry. I try to just word-vomit it out and not edit so that it is expressed in the first words that came to mind. Not sure how valid that way of writing is, but I'm going for it! My dream last night was simply too interesting to me to not write about it in some way. The first part is talking about Mt. Rushmore; I was hiking past it and couldn't even tell that it was Rushmore because the faces had been so weathered. It was a really beautiful image - their faces receding into the mountain. I wish I could share that visual with the class. The rest of the dream was pretty weird too (seals and polar bears in a small mountain lake and me once again being able to stay under water for long amounts of time) but it was an enjoyable dream and I woke up happy. Dreams are sweet.
Wind smoothed stone showed a mere outline of what once was
As the face pulled back into the mountain,
Letting nature reclaim her own once more.
We walk the trail ahead,
But it too has been eroded
And as it crumbles away a gaping hole is left.
Five feet spans the gap - five feet across but five hundred in depth
The pull forward outweighs the risk and we know:
We must go on.
I cross the gap - my feet finding firm ground
My mind slipping away
And I find it again at the edge of a high mountain lake
Blue green water pools
Fallen logs on the edges
A ripple spreads across the glassy surface
The rise of a fish?
A seal breaks the surface
Lunging to the shore, where her young appears to greet her
Seals in a lake, yet I feel no surprise.
Curiosity pilots my body as I dive
into the mystical lake
It drives me to the very bottom
Where my lungs assure me they are really more capable than I think.
Propelled through the water by something surely outside of myself,
I find a creature playing in the darkness
He turns his head and the white fur covering him moves in waves
I feel no fear as the polar bear swims past me and instead shut my eyes
Surrendering my body to the waves.
********************************************
Another attempt at dream poetry. I try to just word-vomit it out and not edit so that it is expressed in the first words that came to mind. Not sure how valid that way of writing is, but I'm going for it! My dream last night was simply too interesting to me to not write about it in some way. The first part is talking about Mt. Rushmore; I was hiking past it and couldn't even tell that it was Rushmore because the faces had been so weathered. It was a really beautiful image - their faces receding into the mountain. I wish I could share that visual with the class. The rest of the dream was pretty weird too (seals and polar bears in a small mountain lake and me once again being able to stay under water for long amounts of time) but it was an enjoyable dream and I woke up happy. Dreams are sweet.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Because I Love This Class
First of all, I would like to thank each and every one of you for being so open and passionate in your presentations. I was blown away by all of them and had a blast learning about not only the topics, but you as people through them. Our class is composed entirely of brilliant people, and I will never be able to accurately say how grateful I am to have been able to be a part of it. If anyone could start a revolution, it would be the people in that classroom. We could call ourselves "Sexson's Army."
Yasmin - the smile of freedom (I think I illustrate this smile everyday when I get out of my other classes) is such an interesting thing. Smiling in general is; we smile for nearly every emotion we express, even, as was mentioned in your presentation, when we are sad. I was moved by the Mandela clip you showed, baffled by the Mona Lisa, and thoroughly intrigued in your presentation as a whole. It's funny because the first thing I noticed about you was your smile (it is captivating by the way), so how fitting for you to present on them. Thank you.
Katie Chambers - you wrote a beautiful piece on dreaming. My attention was not only captured by your story, but by your presence as you told it. You discussed the violent, erotic, implausible and desiring nature of dreams and ended by saying we should not feel shameful when we wake from them; it is only natural. I'm glad someone said this. Dreams are so interesting and cool and the content of them should not be judged; we can't even control them. One of my favorite HP quotes goes something like "It is your choices more than your abilities that define you" and I think this applies directly to dreaming. We cannot control our dreams, so we should not be defined by them. Rather, we should just appreciate them for what they are: fucking awesome. You may be quiet, but you are a strong and passionate woman Katie. I quite saw that in your presentation. Thank you.
Jonah - in your presentation you said, "Freedom is the act of perception." I have long struggled with figuring out what exactly "freedom" is, but the second you said that everything fell into place. It is something no one can take away (or give) and something internal. It effects everything and also has no effect at all; it is the individual's whole world and nothing to anyone besides them. This falls perfectly in line with what Conchis said: "The better you understand freedom, the less you possess it." We do not own freedom, we simply navigate by it. You had an enthralling presentation filled with many deep points (as always) that allowed me to see just how thoughtful you are; the fact that you still think of the words a homeless man said to you as a child shows how well you think things over. You are so deep and caring Jonah, and this really came through in your presentation. Thank you.
Spencer - you related our mythology class to thermo dynamics while simultaneously involving the class by incorporating our dreams into it. You showed how our class can be used to tap into any subject, which is something that I hope to achieve in my future as a teacher so I found it not only interesting but extremely useful. The world could really benefit from more minds thinking like yours does, but even more so from more people caring enough to act on it. You said you don't want to be a sell-out or work for "the man," but I have no doubts that you won't. Even if you do work for some big oil corporation you will certainly not sell out, but rather change that corporation from the inside out with your ways of thinking. Your presentation showed me how witty and how strong of a leader you are. Thank you.
Alaine - I can't believe I missed the first few minutes of your poem! All I know is that I walked into a room of completely enraptured people and saw a woman speaking beautifully from her soul. I read your full poem on your blog. Many times. Not only is it inspiring in it's form and structure, but also in content. You may be quiet in class, but holy shit you have a lot of big, deep ideas to share with the world. I have no doubts that you will get exactly what you want out of your life. Today you got the sun tarot card, and I just thought it was perfect. You certainly are a beacon of light for all of those around you, and that certainly radiated through your presentation. Thank you.
Katie Neal - you did a great job of constructing the "god game." I was so sure someone would ask the right question and we would figure out who the killer was, and when you revealed that there was no killer I was shocked. But as Sexson would say, "Of course there was no killer." ;) In your presentation I learned that sometimes there is no right question. Sometimes, you do not get the answer you're looking for. This is something I certainly need to take to heart since my tendency is to tear things apart in search of answers, and it often is the case that there is no answer and then I'm just left with a mess. You are such a sharp and observant person, but it is your compassion that stands out the most to me; it is powerful and ever present in your words and I'm glad to have had the chance to witness and be inspired by it. Thank you.
Rose - your presentation was clearly from the heart. I know first hand how difficult it can be to experience depression and also how scary it is to talk about it with others. You did so magnificently though. I wrote down so many of the lines from your paper but your final point left me drop-jawed. "Emotions are the stories in my head," you said. And in that moment I felt something shift inside of me. I hope you realize how beautiful that sentence was Rose. Emotions are the stories in my head. I will never forget that line. I was having a rough day today actually and as my head started to reel I began to feel an anxiety attack coming on. But I told myself that sentence and thought, "These emotions will not kill me. Nor should I be ashamed of them. I should just look at them like a story." And I immediately felt myself calm. You don't give yourself enough credit Rose. You are intelligent and courageous and things may be rough right now, but you are going to be okay. You are too brilliant not to be. I hope you know how much I appreciated your presentation. Thank you.
Joe - well Joe, you may have made me stay late after class, but I wouldn't have chosen to spend that time any other way. You are a volcano of contemplation - exploding in thoughts and ideas - and I don't think I've ever met someone that commits as much energy as you do to exploring them. Your presentation showed how the cycle of reading is the cycle of water is the cycle of life is the cycle of everything. It's hard to write about your presentation since it covered pretty much the whole universe (ha it's funny because you literally did talk about the whole universe..) but it certainly opened my mind to the cycle we are all caught up in. I loved when you said, "Sex is just a really beautiful middle finger to chaos" and when you sang, "Holy water has got nothing on this mud." You are a brilliant ball of energy with a unique perspective and the ability to share it through a variety of mediums. You never cease to amaze me in your ability to get me to see things in a different light. Thank you.
Valerie - my goodness woman, you are an inspiration to all. Your presentation was extremely interesting and gave me my first look into tarot cards, which I thoroughly enjoyed. I had no idea of all the allusions to tarot in The Magus but once you pointed them out the book took on a whole new constantly having to rethink the things you say since they pack such a punch. Your authenticity as a person, strength in convictions, and love for life are unmatched. I hope to emulate each of those traits in my own life and hope you realize what an inspiration you truly are. Thank you.
Matt - your presentation was, of course, fantastic. It's funny because I've been listening to "Godspeed You! Black Emperor" the entire time I've been writing this blog. (I like them by the way, so thanks for introducing them to the class!) I really liked what you had to say about architecture telling our stories. It really does and I've never thought about it, but I've certainly felt it and it was exciting to hear you talk about it and understand what you were getting at. You are so insightful and multifaceted and I am consistently blown away by the things you say. I will never forget the day you talked about Lament of the Dead and said, "Keep telling the story." I've adopted that as a motto for my life. You have such skill as an observer, analyzer, and storyteller. I hope you tell stories your whole life long. You certainly need to get your brilliant thoughts out there somehow. They are too great to go unshared and I'm honored to have been able to be witness to them. Thank you.
Calder - you gave quite the history lesson in your presentation. You posed the question, "Who controls the past" and at that point I had to really stop and think. Who does control the past? What is written in our textbooks is what kids learn and is what they will act off of, thereby controlling the future. We cannot afford to have the control of the past in the wrong hands. You then said the Orwell quote, "Those who control the past control the future, and those who control the present control the past." I'm glad you are studying history Calder. Because if people like you write text books or teach history or write about it or whatever it is you end up doing, you will control the past. And if people like you control our future, then we will all be a-okay. You have a strong presence, a beautiful mind, and are a true craftsman of words and I have loved being able to witness that. Thank you.
Since I will not be here for the last day of presentations I would like to say a bit about the rest of our class as well.
Carol - you have an interesting perspective on things and I am sure your presentation is going to rock. A lot of times in class you say a little sentence that I find myself mulling over for great lengths of time; just when I think I understand something you bring up another aspect and I realize I was only seeing part of the picture. I will never forget the day you read your poem "Too Close" to the class. It was so beautiful and showed me how creative and passionate you are. I have really enjoyed hearing your thoughts and reading your blogs. Thank you.
Brady - I always love it when you speak up in class because I know it's either going to be a funny joke or a deeply insightful thought that you are about to share. I got my first real glimpse into your mind when you wrote your blog/paper on circles, and I've been grateful for that glimpse since. You are gifted in your ability to see more than just the words on the page - to see connections - and I hope to be able to emulate that in my own reading. I've loved getting to hear your insights and originality through both what you say in class and what you blog. You have a wonderful mind. Thank you.
Logan - first of all, you radiate such a positive energy. You also possess a brilliant mind that works in ways my mind can't even fathom, and every time you talk I find myself writing it down so that I can think about it more later. When you did that presentation on the whiteboard about mythology and AI, my mind about exploded - first from all the unfamiliar terms and then from how perfectly you made your point. You are a brilliant man with interests all across the board, which makes you captivating to listen to. Thank you.
Charlie - You are probably the one in the class I have talked the least with, but your presence is always noticed. You have such insight to share and whenever I've talked with you outside of class I instantly feel your compassion and wisdom. I am glad your crazy road trip ended up with you in Bozeman; this community is extremely lucky to have you. I have thoroughly enjoyed hearing your stories and thoughts throughout this semester. Thank you.
Conner - well you aren't really in this class so you don't get a post. Just kidding. The first thing I noticed about you was your eyes. You listen with rapt attention and I can almost see the gears spinning in your brain as you take the time to process each thing that is said. You don't speak up often, but when you do I am consistently jolted by what you have to say. You are passionately curious and gifted in your ability with words (I especially love your poetry) and I am glad that Joe invited you to our class. You truly dance for the sake of dancing Conner. You are genuine and thoughtful and brilliant and I'm so glad you joined our class. Thank you.
And of course.....
Dr. Sexson - you will get a detailed thank you from me later, but I want to congratulate you on creating the ultimate learning environment. I say on a regular basis how thankful I am for having had the opportunity to take this class. And when I think of my future as a teacher you are the role model I hope to imitate. Never before have I had an educational experience as I have had in your classroom. I've felt myself growing and thinking in ways I've never thought to think before and I cannot thank you enough for this. This class has changed my life. It has been a huge part of my apocalypse. And it is all because one man with a twinkle in his eye decided to invest in a group of random college kids. Thank you so much for sharing your mind with us Dr. Sexson. It has been exciting and wonderful and beautiful every step of the way. If you ever want to adopt a grand daughter just let me know;)
Yasmin - the smile of freedom (I think I illustrate this smile everyday when I get out of my other classes) is such an interesting thing. Smiling in general is; we smile for nearly every emotion we express, even, as was mentioned in your presentation, when we are sad. I was moved by the Mandela clip you showed, baffled by the Mona Lisa, and thoroughly intrigued in your presentation as a whole. It's funny because the first thing I noticed about you was your smile (it is captivating by the way), so how fitting for you to present on them. Thank you.
Katie Chambers - you wrote a beautiful piece on dreaming. My attention was not only captured by your story, but by your presence as you told it. You discussed the violent, erotic, implausible and desiring nature of dreams and ended by saying we should not feel shameful when we wake from them; it is only natural. I'm glad someone said this. Dreams are so interesting and cool and the content of them should not be judged; we can't even control them. One of my favorite HP quotes goes something like "It is your choices more than your abilities that define you" and I think this applies directly to dreaming. We cannot control our dreams, so we should not be defined by them. Rather, we should just appreciate them for what they are: fucking awesome. You may be quiet, but you are a strong and passionate woman Katie. I quite saw that in your presentation. Thank you.
Jonah - in your presentation you said, "Freedom is the act of perception." I have long struggled with figuring out what exactly "freedom" is, but the second you said that everything fell into place. It is something no one can take away (or give) and something internal. It effects everything and also has no effect at all; it is the individual's whole world and nothing to anyone besides them. This falls perfectly in line with what Conchis said: "The better you understand freedom, the less you possess it." We do not own freedom, we simply navigate by it. You had an enthralling presentation filled with many deep points (as always) that allowed me to see just how thoughtful you are; the fact that you still think of the words a homeless man said to you as a child shows how well you think things over. You are so deep and caring Jonah, and this really came through in your presentation. Thank you.
Spencer - you related our mythology class to thermo dynamics while simultaneously involving the class by incorporating our dreams into it. You showed how our class can be used to tap into any subject, which is something that I hope to achieve in my future as a teacher so I found it not only interesting but extremely useful. The world could really benefit from more minds thinking like yours does, but even more so from more people caring enough to act on it. You said you don't want to be a sell-out or work for "the man," but I have no doubts that you won't. Even if you do work for some big oil corporation you will certainly not sell out, but rather change that corporation from the inside out with your ways of thinking. Your presentation showed me how witty and how strong of a leader you are. Thank you.
Alaine - I can't believe I missed the first few minutes of your poem! All I know is that I walked into a room of completely enraptured people and saw a woman speaking beautifully from her soul. I read your full poem on your blog. Many times. Not only is it inspiring in it's form and structure, but also in content. You may be quiet in class, but holy shit you have a lot of big, deep ideas to share with the world. I have no doubts that you will get exactly what you want out of your life. Today you got the sun tarot card, and I just thought it was perfect. You certainly are a beacon of light for all of those around you, and that certainly radiated through your presentation. Thank you.
Katie Neal - you did a great job of constructing the "god game." I was so sure someone would ask the right question and we would figure out who the killer was, and when you revealed that there was no killer I was shocked. But as Sexson would say, "Of course there was no killer." ;) In your presentation I learned that sometimes there is no right question. Sometimes, you do not get the answer you're looking for. This is something I certainly need to take to heart since my tendency is to tear things apart in search of answers, and it often is the case that there is no answer and then I'm just left with a mess. You are such a sharp and observant person, but it is your compassion that stands out the most to me; it is powerful and ever present in your words and I'm glad to have had the chance to witness and be inspired by it. Thank you.
Rose - your presentation was clearly from the heart. I know first hand how difficult it can be to experience depression and also how scary it is to talk about it with others. You did so magnificently though. I wrote down so many of the lines from your paper but your final point left me drop-jawed. "Emotions are the stories in my head," you said. And in that moment I felt something shift inside of me. I hope you realize how beautiful that sentence was Rose. Emotions are the stories in my head. I will never forget that line. I was having a rough day today actually and as my head started to reel I began to feel an anxiety attack coming on. But I told myself that sentence and thought, "These emotions will not kill me. Nor should I be ashamed of them. I should just look at them like a story." And I immediately felt myself calm. You don't give yourself enough credit Rose. You are intelligent and courageous and things may be rough right now, but you are going to be okay. You are too brilliant not to be. I hope you know how much I appreciated your presentation. Thank you.
Joe - well Joe, you may have made me stay late after class, but I wouldn't have chosen to spend that time any other way. You are a volcano of contemplation - exploding in thoughts and ideas - and I don't think I've ever met someone that commits as much energy as you do to exploring them. Your presentation showed how the cycle of reading is the cycle of water is the cycle of life is the cycle of everything. It's hard to write about your presentation since it covered pretty much the whole universe (ha it's funny because you literally did talk about the whole universe..) but it certainly opened my mind to the cycle we are all caught up in. I loved when you said, "Sex is just a really beautiful middle finger to chaos" and when you sang, "Holy water has got nothing on this mud." You are a brilliant ball of energy with a unique perspective and the ability to share it through a variety of mediums. You never cease to amaze me in your ability to get me to see things in a different light. Thank you.
Valerie - my goodness woman, you are an inspiration to all. Your presentation was extremely interesting and gave me my first look into tarot cards, which I thoroughly enjoyed. I had no idea of all the allusions to tarot in The Magus but once you pointed them out the book took on a whole new constantly having to rethink the things you say since they pack such a punch. Your authenticity as a person, strength in convictions, and love for life are unmatched. I hope to emulate each of those traits in my own life and hope you realize what an inspiration you truly are. Thank you.
Matt - your presentation was, of course, fantastic. It's funny because I've been listening to "Godspeed You! Black Emperor" the entire time I've been writing this blog. (I like them by the way, so thanks for introducing them to the class!) I really liked what you had to say about architecture telling our stories. It really does and I've never thought about it, but I've certainly felt it and it was exciting to hear you talk about it and understand what you were getting at. You are so insightful and multifaceted and I am consistently blown away by the things you say. I will never forget the day you talked about Lament of the Dead and said, "Keep telling the story." I've adopted that as a motto for my life. You have such skill as an observer, analyzer, and storyteller. I hope you tell stories your whole life long. You certainly need to get your brilliant thoughts out there somehow. They are too great to go unshared and I'm honored to have been able to be witness to them. Thank you.
Calder - you gave quite the history lesson in your presentation. You posed the question, "Who controls the past" and at that point I had to really stop and think. Who does control the past? What is written in our textbooks is what kids learn and is what they will act off of, thereby controlling the future. We cannot afford to have the control of the past in the wrong hands. You then said the Orwell quote, "Those who control the past control the future, and those who control the present control the past." I'm glad you are studying history Calder. Because if people like you write text books or teach history or write about it or whatever it is you end up doing, you will control the past. And if people like you control our future, then we will all be a-okay. You have a strong presence, a beautiful mind, and are a true craftsman of words and I have loved being able to witness that. Thank you.
Since I will not be here for the last day of presentations I would like to say a bit about the rest of our class as well.
Carol - you have an interesting perspective on things and I am sure your presentation is going to rock. A lot of times in class you say a little sentence that I find myself mulling over for great lengths of time; just when I think I understand something you bring up another aspect and I realize I was only seeing part of the picture. I will never forget the day you read your poem "Too Close" to the class. It was so beautiful and showed me how creative and passionate you are. I have really enjoyed hearing your thoughts and reading your blogs. Thank you.
Brady - I always love it when you speak up in class because I know it's either going to be a funny joke or a deeply insightful thought that you are about to share. I got my first real glimpse into your mind when you wrote your blog/paper on circles, and I've been grateful for that glimpse since. You are gifted in your ability to see more than just the words on the page - to see connections - and I hope to be able to emulate that in my own reading. I've loved getting to hear your insights and originality through both what you say in class and what you blog. You have a wonderful mind. Thank you.
Logan - first of all, you radiate such a positive energy. You also possess a brilliant mind that works in ways my mind can't even fathom, and every time you talk I find myself writing it down so that I can think about it more later. When you did that presentation on the whiteboard about mythology and AI, my mind about exploded - first from all the unfamiliar terms and then from how perfectly you made your point. You are a brilliant man with interests all across the board, which makes you captivating to listen to. Thank you.
Charlie - You are probably the one in the class I have talked the least with, but your presence is always noticed. You have such insight to share and whenever I've talked with you outside of class I instantly feel your compassion and wisdom. I am glad your crazy road trip ended up with you in Bozeman; this community is extremely lucky to have you. I have thoroughly enjoyed hearing your stories and thoughts throughout this semester. Thank you.
Conner - well you aren't really in this class so you don't get a post. Just kidding. The first thing I noticed about you was your eyes. You listen with rapt attention and I can almost see the gears spinning in your brain as you take the time to process each thing that is said. You don't speak up often, but when you do I am consistently jolted by what you have to say. You are passionately curious and gifted in your ability with words (I especially love your poetry) and I am glad that Joe invited you to our class. You truly dance for the sake of dancing Conner. You are genuine and thoughtful and brilliant and I'm so glad you joined our class. Thank you.
And of course.....
Dr. Sexson - you will get a detailed thank you from me later, but I want to congratulate you on creating the ultimate learning environment. I say on a regular basis how thankful I am for having had the opportunity to take this class. And when I think of my future as a teacher you are the role model I hope to imitate. Never before have I had an educational experience as I have had in your classroom. I've felt myself growing and thinking in ways I've never thought to think before and I cannot thank you enough for this. This class has changed my life. It has been a huge part of my apocalypse. And it is all because one man with a twinkle in his eye decided to invest in a group of random college kids. Thank you so much for sharing your mind with us Dr. Sexson. It has been exciting and wonderful and beautiful every step of the way. If you ever want to adopt a grand daughter just let me know;)
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